Whilst trying and failing dismally to get to grips with yesterday’s budget of golden rules and economic cycles (do they come with a set of panniers and a saddle?) it occurred to me that I could have written something more accurate, easier to understand and, for those amongst us with a low attention span, a lot shorter than Alastair Darling’s monologue. It would have gone thus (Scottish accent optional).
“Basically guys, the economy is fucked. It’s not my fault, the Prime Minister when he was Chancellor encouraged banks to take big risks with “light touch” regulation. He knew that banks like making money - some might even have the temerity to call them greedy - and if he let them make a lot of cash he could tax their profits. Despite my boss’s denials, he helped fuel a massive nuclear explosion style boom, which has lead to a massive bust of 38GG proportions. Now I have been lumbered with the task of delivering his solutions (I’m not allowed to enter the Treasury without holding his hand) for getting out of this mofo of a black hole. These solutions will cost a vast amount of money, they may not work and by the way, my assessment of growth of the next two years was compiled by a civil servant who was both drunk and whose glass was half full at the time and so you have every right to call them hopelessly optimistic...”
So, with this monumental balls-up in mind (more on Ed Balls later) I thought, who the hell am I going to vote for? I’m a floating voter – not literally, that would be weird. I don’t glide gracefully into the voting booth on a cushion of air waving at my people like the Queen on a birthday walkabout. Moreover I float between the parties like Her Majesty chatting to guests at an official function – with no real interest in anyone and occasionally sporting a dull, vacant look.
And as a floating voter it’s actually a difficult decision to make at the next election. My Dad once said voting is choosing the best of a bad bunch – and so with this in mind I have reached the following conclusions of the three main parties – most of which is aimed at Labour, purely because there is more to moan about!
Labour
The current government are the political equivalent of a three-legged horse approaching Becher’s Brook for the final time at The Grand National. They’ve had an impressive run; they’ve crossed some difficult hurdles along the way. Unseating their jockey Tony Blair as things got tougher hasn’t helped – but now as they approach the most notorious hurdle on the course with their mismanagement of the economy a handicap, the water ditch that is Damien McBride’s stupidity an unwanted distraction, the hurdle of a united Conservative party in front of them and the hapless Gordon Brown lopping off a leg through his all-round incompetence, I’m afraid it’s a trip to the knackers yard.
When Gordon Brown succeeded Tony Blair, he stood in Downing Street and said “now let the work of change begin”. Was he talking about redecorating 10 Downing Street? Had he nervously pooed his pants when faced with HM Queen at Buckingham Palace? Was he off out for the evening? I fear not. It was a classic Gordon Brown phrase. Big rhetoric that he spends a huge amount of time chewing on, stupidly believing it will impress us; when all it serves to do is reveal just how much of a political bubble he inhabits. Hang on a mo Gordon, why do you need to change so much if you’ve already been in power for 10 years? Do you disagree so much with what you were so actively involved with until only yesterday? Or was this a speech you prepared when you were dreaming about this day at the age of 16?
Heavy words, talk seriously, tell people I feel their pain, repeat time and again that we are taking the necessary action. Add to this the awkward body language and his apparent inability to make quick decisions it makes you wonder how he ever got to be PM. Well in short, Gordon Brown is very clever.
He built up a following of very clever young intellectuals during his days in opposition and impressed his fellow MP’s enough for them to back him. Add to this a fearsome temper, intellectual arrogance, tremendous self-importance and bizarre belief that it is his right to become PM and you have something only a little short of self-perpetuating political battering ram.
It is for these reasons it has gone wrong for Gordon Brown. He’s surrounded himself his whole career with younger, awestruck yes men. Brown nosers such as Ed Balls, continuing to practice the dirty politics Brown indulged in so readily in the 80’s and 90’s (it’s probably safe to say Brown probably still likes to dabble). Very bright people, who you get the feeling, haven’t ever taken much notice of the real world around them. Their political leanings are intellectual rather than based on experience. From a young age they have immersed themselves in politics through think-tanks and back-room jobs before breaking into the upper echelons of government without, despite their claims, understanding the majority of people in the UK.
Like his cohorts, Brown is a backroom boy. He’s not instinctive as a decision maker, he enjoys strategy and micro-management too much and any feeling appears intellectualised rather than heartfelt. He’s certainly not a statesman – that ghastly obsequious grin he breaks into every time Barack Obama wafts by is deeply embarrassing – and he cannot act the part of a statesman unlike Tony “3 Wars” Blair.
So it’s a no to Labour.
The Tories
It’s also a no to the Tories. I actually think David Cameron is ok. Growing up in a middle-class household I don’t harbour the understandable resentment for the Tories that other people often do. Cameron seems to be well rounded. He’s a smooth operator, which is good but arguably also a little disconcerting, he’s shrewd and puts his words together well. He doesn’t seem to have as much of an ego as Brown and he does have a sense of humour.
With the Tories it’s more the fact that at the moment I just don’t know what they stand for. We know their policies have shifted to the centre but I have very deep misgivings about certain factions within the party; their old-fashioned, narrow-minded views and uncaring attitude to those who are less fortunate.
I also happen to loathe George Osborne. He’s steely, cold eyes, his ability to say exactly what the public want to hear without any conviction whatsoever and his toffish lounging about on super-yachts is not in the least bit endearing.
The Lib Dems
I love Vince Cable (not literally). He is concise and cutting – and on economic matters he commands greater respect than Labour.
But that’s the problem with the Lib Dems. In my eyes they’re a bit of a one-man show. Nick Clegg, whilst dashing, is Diet caffeine free Cameron, and crucially doesn’t always seem well briefed. Chris Huhne is mealy mouthed and then who else is there? As Delia would say “Where are you? Let’s be having you!!”
I’m waiting to be convinced.
So where does that leave me? Well, my biggest concern at the moment are the systematic and dangerous erosion of many of our civil liberties. Never mind the ridiculous cost of ID cards, they’re a dangerous precedent and represent a fundamental shift between the state and the individual.
I’m also very concerned about the environment – how the hell else am I going to commute to work in my car if the roads are clogged with other drivers? And if the earth’s temperature rises I’ll have to get a soft-top and I don’t want to look like a hairdresser.
I’m after a party who are environmentally friendly and pro-civil liberties. I’m not voting for the Green party – they moan constantly, a lot of them smell and I don’t want to end up being monitored by MI5. No, I’m after something more uplifting, something more inspiring, something more, well, unusual. And here it is, The Natural Law party.
But I’ve looked online and bugger it – the Natural Law party is no longer registered in the UK! No more Yogic flying, no more, er… Anyway, I bet they would be better than the lot we have at the moment, let’s face it, the Home Office can’t get any worse. And, just imagine how our Natural Law party leader would have greeted foreign dignitaries.
Perhaps Gordon Brown should do the same. I would love to see him in a toga and flip-flops on the front lawn at Chequers practising downward facing dog as Barack Obama walks up the driveway. He’d be sure to get the comedy vote.
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